Cracking a Shell

Drew the Death card in my daily tarot pull. Death of what, precisely, I wondered. 

Am thinking about absence of personal will and wondering why it feels so uncomfortable to me, like my version of co-dependence doesn’t fit anymore. I want to try on the kind of autonomy I once felt, but am not sure what that entails. I might have to notice every time I’m talking in my head to imaginary people. Might have to cultivate quiet.

I’m coming to see that pure self-determination is a rarity. Some people defer to their loved ones, with various underlying ego-driven motivations perhaps. Some don’t attach their sense of worth to decisions in their lives and so go along with others because hell, smarter than making potentially wrong choices. They might have low self-esteem. Others must be easygoing – might simply enjoy life whatever they’re doing. Or they surrender to guidance, knowing that except for death, destinations are subject to mutation.

I love the people in my life. At the same time I want to purify the experience, to come into relationships with a sense of fully embodying my peculiar nature, with no need for external validation. Striving to listen and to be kind.

Death to hiding in the shadows. Birth to fully honest relationships in my life, starting with me. 

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